Tough Girl 101

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• Sunday’s Secret’s Friday Answer: Loving two men

  October 30, 2008

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  I asked the question:

  Do you think it’s possible to be in love with two people at once?

  
  

  Most people say yes. I say I would rather not be in love, than be in love with two at once.

  Saturday morning, Duke had to leave early to play soldier for the weekend. I was barely awake when he stroked my hair, planted a kiss at the edge of my lips and whispered goodbye, then leaned down to the sleeping dog, planted a kiss on her forehead and ordered her to “protect mommy” while he was gone. 

  I was just awake enough to mumble a short “I’ll miss you” before he got to my bedroom door. 

  “I’ll miss you too” he whispered back, before closing the door behind him and heading out. 

  I did miss him. I know, for a fact, that I do love him. The problem is that I never fell out of love with Guile. I thought I had, before I was married. When the marriage turned out to be built on empty promises, Guile stepped up. He took me to Colorado and reminded me of what I could still do. I must have wasted hours upon hours just talking over every minutiae of the divorce, and bless him he patiently listened, even if he was hearing the same story again for the umpteenth time. 

  On the other hand, Duke took care of me after surgery. He carried me up the stairs when my leg hurt too much. He woke me up when I was sleeping so he was sure I took my medication. He wrapped and re-wrapped my knee a million times. He’s shown, through his actions, that he loves me.

  So what do you do? Do you go with your best friend who you are passionate about, but might not have a future with as more than friends because of some bothersome things in your dating history? Or do you go with the one that shares a roof with you and wants a future with you, but had some issues with before (which I won’t share here) which leaves some lingering trust issues?

  Until I figure something else out, I’ll sit, and wait. It’s the only decision I can seem to make right now.

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  Categories: Uncategorized | | 5 Comments »

• Body Insecurity-the positive side

  October 23, 2008

  “I’ve been sitting and sleeping so much these last three weeks that my arse is getting kind of jiggly.”

  I said that on a previous post about my surgery recovery. Only Guile knows that what I really mean by that is “I feel like a fat ass“. He basically responded with “you’re blind and don’t you dare try running until your doc okays it”. 

  Ah, he knows me!

  When I feel particularly insecure, I transform all of it into motivation to work out. Ever randomly run 15 miles because you thought you saw the beginning stages of cellulite on the back of your thighs? I have. I enjoy running and the endorphins that come with it. After a long run, I usually come to my senses, my vision clears up and I realize that I am, in fact, slightly insane. 

  

  Take a look at my abs in the picture to the left. It was from when I did The Incline with Guile back in June of 2008. That week we had done a 5k, spent a couple hours at the gym and we were in the process of climbing up a very steep mountain. It was an incredibly physical week but despite knowing that I set my body through hell, all I could think of was that my abs used to have a very defined four pack and now all I see is the layer of fat that wasn’t there before my doctors forbid me from running. 

  This isn’t a hopeless bid for compliments or assurances that “oh you’re so thin, blah-blah-hooey!” One bad photo does not make me a lard-ass but I’ve been so indoctrinated into thinking that a sexy clavicle is one that protrudes out as far as your breasts. It does not mean that I really want to be that thin, but when I feel like a heifer the contrast between me and what’s considered attractive becomes as wide as the grand canyon.

  The positive consequences of my neurotic insecurity is that I work out like a fiend. I add that extra mile to my work out and put more weights when lifting. I might even skip the delicious looking brownies that our friend, Brit, always makes (she’s an incredible cook!) 

  I’m still not allowed to walk too much, much less try jogging. I think if Duke ever got the impression that I was going to attempt a run, he’d body check me at the door. The thing is, doing 45 minutes of light cardio like on an elliptical or exercise bike doesn’t cut it if you’re used to running long distances. It also doesn’t help when running was a form of therapy for any type of stress or anxiety. 

  My X-husband comes back to town soon, he’s called and otherwise made his presence known to me. I personally would like to see him vanish into a puff of air and be erased from my mind forever but since closing my eyes and covering my ears singing “lalala, I can’t see you! I can’t hear you! lalala! You don’t exist now! lalala!” doesn’t actually stop someone from existing, I have to be mature enough to handle the fact that he will be here.

  I just really don’t want to. 

  Man, I wish I could go for a long run. 

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  Categories: Adventure | | 6 Comments »

• Back up husband/Guile

  October 21, 2008

  Why I asked about the back up husband. 

  When I was with the X-husband, things got bad almost the second we said “I do”. I was dependent on him financially, which took a hit on my ego. You know the chauvinistic male who’s ego goes down when he’s unemployed? I suppose I’m a chauvinistic female, my self-esteem is tied to my fitness and productivity. Half the reason I didn’t call it off sooner was because I was scared that no one else would want me or love me and that I’d have no where to go. I didn’t want to turn into one of those old ladies with a thousand cats.

  

  Quite predictably, I sought out my oldest friend, Guile, when things got hard. We’ve wasted so many hours on the phone, talking, crying, screaming, drinking. During times of crisis and dreadful uncertainty, it’s what we do! He’s been my rock for almost ten years (pictured left, that was us almost 5 years ago), we’re each other’s “back up bf/gf” when we’re both single. Transitioning him into back up husband/baby-daddy wasn’t a big leap. We set no definite age, instead I stipulated that if I’m feeling my biological clock start to tick, it’s time to get crackin’ on crankin’ out munchkins; Me, because I want kids before I look old enough to be a grandma. Him, because his parents will destroy their only son if he fails to produce their grandchildren.

  At the very least, he saves me from staying in a bad relationship because I’m afraid of turning into the crazy cat woman. That’s the positive aspect of this agreement-we never have to stay in a bad relationship if we don’t want to. 

  That’s the downside of this agreement though, we never have to seriously work on a relationship because we have each other. Why do we need to find love when we could just wait it out and marry someone we already love (in a fashion)? It alleviates pressure and removes the incentive to try, but the thing is, we dated for three years and we broke up for a reason… some bad, some good. There’s likely a better person out there for both of us. We might be hurting each other’s chance with a better person. 

  If we need to follow through with this pact, we also have to live the rest of our lives knowing that we were each other’s back up. Since I couldn’t find Mr. Right, I settled for Guile who’s Mr Right now and vice versa. What kind of problems would that cause if we ever hit a rough patch? 

  Of course, he or I could actually get married leaving the other one flailing in the wind and maybe even a little sore and jealous? Before, we would encourage each other to go after a good potential partner, would we still feel that way now? I don’t know. We’ll have to see. 

  Right now, I think that I’m just flattered if nothing else. 

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  Categories: Uncategorized | | 6 Comments »

• 5 things that keep me sane before Surgery

  October 9, 2008

  (Alternative title ”What you need when you’re scared chicken”)

  I am not good at dealing with emotions. In fact, I am terrible at it. All my negative emotions manifest itself in one way – inappropriate hostility towards anyone or anything and as many of you have figured out, really anxious about my first surgery. 

  Little known fact: I AM AFRAID OF NEEDLES! I can push it aside while I’m in a Combat Life Saver class, or when I’m actually receiving some kind of treatment, but that type of suppression takes an incredible amount of energy and I’ll usually collapse as soon as I can. The idea of three needle-like scopes going into my knee while a surgeon is cutting at the tissue and bone doesn’t make me happy. So I’m trying to look on the brighter side of life.

  1. Sick time Privileges. When you live with people, sick time means you don’t have to pull your weight. I’m not so mean that I’ll milk it for all it’s worth, but… I’m going to enjoy the idea of milking it for all it’s worth. 

  

  2. Flowers from my parents, with a note telling me that a wooden leg would make me a dead ringer for a ninja-like pirate. That’s right. A pirate.

  Pirate jokes are appropriate for every occasion, even orthopedic surgery. If you disagree, then yee argh lame.

  3. Phone calls from old Friends.

  I received a phone call in the early(ish) morning and a voice on the end inquired “So, do you remember my voice, or have I been out of country too long?”

  Squee! It was Guile!

  When someone takes the time to remember your surgery between patrols to call and make sure I’m okay… well, that’s nothing short of love. No, I don’t mean the type of love that Austen or any myriad of lame romance authors have written about, but the loyal kind of love that gets you to keep a friend in your life through thick or thin. Thanks for the phone call and the e-mails. You rock!

  4. A Dog who’s life’s ambition is to cuddle and guard mommy at all costs.

  

  It uplifts your spirits. There are more than a handful of studies that say that pet ownership keeps you from being lonely, lowers your blood pressure and increases your overall satisfaction. I love my dog. She’s awesome. She likes to cuddle. 

  5. The Wii. Really, I think that’s enough said on that one.

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  Categories: Uncategorized | | 5 Comments »

• The Surgery

  October 6, 2008

  The surgery is tomorrow, and I am walking around with my head bowed. This would mark my first (and hopefully only) ever surgery. I am a little depressed, but not debilitatingly so. I am anxious, moody, nervous… a myriad of other emotions one would feel when entering a haunted house. 

  I’ve come a long way from being that girl in the above picture who enjoyed running, and thought it was the most liberating activity in the world. Now it’s a painful curse that I do only if there’s a proverbial gun to my head. That doesn’t mean that I’ve forgotten how thrilling it was to hear my footsteps on pavement, or to have my body moving to the rhythm of the music blasting in my ears. 

  

  When walking up a flight of stairs causing as much searing pain as a marathon, it’s hard to remember that I once used to love running competitively.

  To the Left is a picture of the last time I ran the Bataan Death March in 2006. Notice the huge honkin’ knee brace? Oh yeah!

  Guile has been suggesting that I get the surgery for years, but I’ve had a fear of it since it became an option. After he forced me to do the Incline and challenged me to try and beat him to the top of the mountain, I sort of remembered what the point was.  

  My body is an instrument, not an ornament. It can climb mountains, run 26 miles, dive off cliffs and doggy paddle me through water. Years of abuse and not taking care of it, it finally broke down, and now I have to fix it. 

  If I don’t fix it with this surgery and fuel it with (good) nutrition (Taco Bell doesn’t count anymore) I may never get a chance to beat Guile up the mountain, or go Skydiving and Bungee jumping with Cowboy. 

  Then where would I be? 

  The goal is now this-to run the Bataan Death March this spring with out injury. It’s time. 

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  Categories: Uncategorized | | 3 Comments »

• The baby Glock

  September 30, 2008

  It really was made for concealed carry. 

  

  (Look at it! It’s like a baby Glock, it’s cute and tiny.)

  This weekend, I went out to the range and played with a Desert Eagle, a couple 9mm Glocks and an AR-15. I familiarized myself with all my new weapon’s quirks, how the sights are a little bit low, how it fits in my hand, how the Glock’s safety is actually on the trigger and not a selector switch like other weapons.

  I’m also attempting to use the new IBA-approved “shoulders straight” stance (as opposed to having one foot in front of the other). It felt weird. I’m pretty positive I’m still not doing it right. I’m also going to get an extended magazine so that when the larger folks (like Cowboy or Guile) should, for some unforeseeable reason, ever need to use my weapon, their pinky’s won’t slip off the grip… of course, having hobbit-hands, it fits me just fine.

  

  One thing was obvious, I am way better with assault weapons than I am with pistols. 

  But I have no pictures of that. At least none that obscured the face.

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  Categories: Uncategorized | | 10 Comments »

• Ronery, so Ronery

  September 10, 2008

  When I was in military school, the number one thing I ever wanted was an hour of alone time. I’d gladly sit in my barracks and stare at the ceiling, just for a moment’s peace. A military school is always filled with social interaction, whether it be in formation, in the mess hall, during PT, or in class or some insipid cadet mandatory fun. For a second where I did not hear any voices but the ones in my head were treasured.

  The difference between an extrovert and an introvert is this; An introvert loses energy during social interaction while the extrovert is energized. I am an introvert, hands down, no questions asked. It’s not to say that I’m ever shy or quiet when in a social setting, but once I finally am home, I am usually exhausted. 

  However, now, I find myself a wittle ronery. Thank you Team America for describing my feelings completely.

  I’m not saying that I’m an evil Asian dictator yet but I find myself longing for the company of those who I love: Guile! Where art thou? Cowboy! When shall you get home? Laelene! Stop being a perfect student, and waste some time online with me!

  Next week, I have two exams, my first evaluation for my knee (which may lead to a surgical consultation, then surgery). Yeah, I’m freakin’ lonely and just a little anxious. Sometimes being a hermit isn’t all it’s cracked up to be huh? In the absence of the ones closest to me, I’ll do the only thing I can do. I’m going to write them all long, whiney e-mails and look at lolcats (also known as my anti-depressant).

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  Categories: Uncategorized | | 6 Comments »