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I sat on the couch nursing my knee which was the latest victim of Scout’s jumping-on-mommy game that almost popped some stitches. After a series of cuss words and angry gesticulations, my dog still looked at me like “oh come on Ma, you can never be mad at me“.
When Duke came back from work, I was still fuming and bleeding with band aids, tape, and gauze strewn around me.
“Did the dog hurt you?” he asked.
I nodded helplessly. Scout ran up to him stood on her hind legs in greeting. He furrowed his brow and his lips curled back into a snarl. “Bad dog!” he growled. Scout whimpered off into the corner, ears down, tail between her legs.
Duke took a seat on the floor. He pulled off the band aids, peeled off the dressings and ran a disinfecting wipe around my knee. I stared at him, his tall frame bent over my swollen knee. I reached out and stroked his hair and a smile inched onto his lips. He tightly wrapped the ace bandage around my leg before going to the refrigerator to get the ice pack which he placed over my stitches. Next, he placed a blanket over me, knowing that ice pack always gave me the shivers.
He brought me a cup of warm tea before sitting beside me and letting me use his shoulder as a pillow. He placed a gentle kiss on my head and smiled “Bandage changing unicorn came to the rescue, huh?“
If I do not love him now, I think that I will definitely love him later, but I still cast a cynical eye on any man I commit myself to. I should not fear that whatever I have with Duke will go the same way things went with my X-husband but for some reason, I still carry baggage with X-husband’s name written all over it. It’s filled with distrust, anger, betrayal all tied together with the bitterness of being taken for granted with the lingering aroma of Regret (by Calvin Klein).
I think I love Duke. I would love to hold his hand, to kiss his lips, to share his bed. But no matter where I go or who I’m with, the baggage follows close behind me. I trust Duke completely because he is my friend, but would I trust him as a lover? Am I even capable of trusting any lover at all? I know it’s unfair to make him pay for my X-husband’s folly, but I am still hurt, still raw, still bruised.
I’m not ready.
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Cowboy
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